I woke up around noon today to see that my mother had called me twice. I, knowing that it is going to be a repeat of the same type of phone call that I normally have, called her to see what is going on. I love my mother but I have this huge guilt inside me that I have not been a good son and her unhappiness is solely because of my not being able to get married, be in India and not buy an apartment and a car so that she can be free to move around. Well, she called and cried to me because her brother had come and told her that she should not postpone my wedding and she better make plans before I say no. It breaks my heart when she cries. I am majorly frustrated. I guess it is a very unique Indian experience coupled with my immediate family. I had patiently listened to her and then at the end told her in so many words that she does not love me unconditionally. She has certain stipulations for me to be her good son. Also, I do not blame her, she has been mentally held prisoner for 3 decades and how can I expect her to change immediately? I find it to be a lose-lose situation with her being alone and confined to my home in India and my being here and trying to make something out of my now almost defunct American dream. Anyway, she did admit that she does not have the courage and she is scared. It is actually very brave of her to admit it. I share the same traits with her. I am scared. We hung up and I was in agony. I am in agony. Why in the world have I wasted such a long time trying to chase something that only lives in my imagination? Is it too bad to want to be free? Is it too bad to desire my own freedom? I guess not, but it is just too bad that it has taken me this long to figure it out. I am so passionate about my mother’s state of affairs that I want to move to India and take care of things myself. I beleive I will in a couple of months. I ambled around my studio apartment to make some food and I did. I don’t have any money now and I am completely broke and it really annoys me. I wanted to get my money from my current employer and my friend D has agreed to send money from her account. I was so worried about asking her for money. It is really nerve racking. This month I had to take money from my IRA to live here. Yeah..it is crazy. I am not sure what type of decision making muscles I am using. So, after asking her to mail me the checks, I went to starbucks to take some time off. Saw a lovely girl sitting and was also haunted by the same thoughts I had. Excitement, fear, worry and gawking. The good news is that I had a chance to sit right next to her and started talking to her. It was good to go up to her and introduce myself and chit chat. She seems lovely and had a great spirit. Yes there were moments when I was worried but at the end of it, I invited her to my ‘Coming to America’ party. I felt good. It was good to know that I was back in action. I came back home and about 20 minutes into my sitting at home, my downstairs neighbor comes to my apartment and starts yelling and harassing about my being loud and disturbing his sleep. I have been held hostage in my own apartment ever since I moved in because he came up the night I moved in and started yelling at me. He had the audacity today to not only start yelling at me but also push me around. He is a very angry old man. I felt feeble and futile after he threatened me and left. I came back home really angry and scared about what to do. I sat down for a second, sent an email to my landlord and was wondering why is that I let him push me? I decided to talk to him. I went downstairs and knocked on his door. He came out and basically was racist, insolent and utterly not listening to me. He pushed me again. I realized that I did not have the courage to retaliate. In hindsight this is good but my first reaction was to be subservient and fly rather than fight. I came back home majorly pissed and called the cops and also lodged a complaint against him. While I did things by the book and I am glad I was the one who was smart and sane enough to not react in a way that would have caused harm, I am reeling with discomfort, fear of provoking this maniac and worry about whether my walking normally in my own apartment would make him come back to me. I was worried about him at the gym and also thinking about whether he would attack me and stuff. I am sure being worried about a mentally unstable person with a personal vendetta against me is valid but my feeling insecure, scared and worried for my own safety points to something that needs to be addressed. I beleive the time has come today to go down the path of courage and power. I need to feel powerful and courageous. I have been scared all my life. I want to be known for being bold, courageous and powerful. Real power comes from within but I want to also balance it with raw physical power. I don’t want to be a pushover anymore. I want to take today as a huge learning experience. I want to feel powerful. I want to feel secure, strong and courageous. I do not today. I want to. I will.
