I have decided to chronicle my journey as is. No embelisshments, no journalistic experiments, just the way it is. So each post title is going to bear the day number and thats it and each posts will be as simple and straightforward as possible. Yesterday night was Christmas Eve. New York is a great place because you can still find people hanging out all the time. I felt sorry for myself for I did not have any family and all the friends were new. I went and met up with M, this Italian friend of mine from Yoga class. Class act, very nice guy. He had invited D, a girl whom I had a crush on from the same yoga class but after a dinner and a poser escapade about fixing her computer, I could not express my interest in her and left the whole thing hanging. I still remember walking away from her feeling so uncomfortable and like a loser. When I heard that she was going to be joining us, my heart started racing and I felt uncomfortable worrying about whether she will judge me (Note to self – this is untrue and so what if she does?). I go to the rest room and take a deep breath and told myself it was ok. I get out and M and I are just hanging out and he seems chilled with great spirits. We were chit chatting when D walks in. A short girl with awesome boobs and I have had my eyes in the yoga class for ever. She is completely fine and says hello and is with a guy. His name is F and he is an aspiring photographer who works at a restaurant. (Note to self – She does not worry about the last goof up. Its my mind and I am holding myself captive to my past) and we start hanging out. I also am wondering if the new guy she brought along is her man? Before long my friend I joins me, I need to find out if he is Gay or if he super metrosexual, but he joins us and is very cool to have everyone having fun over a beer table. We talk about yoga, money, spiritualism, photography, Sardinia, finance and what not. We decided to go to a movie and after much deliberation, ended up going to No Country for Old men. The movie was great. I loved it. The movie got over and I,F and I headed to the subway while D and M walked together home. I was jealous. I turned around and looked at D holding hands with M and them walking home. I felt like I have lost. I got back home and had a good night sleep. I woke up on Christmas day with thoughts no so joyful. I open up my email to get an email from a friend M, whom I had a crush on but never could be with her, letting me know about her new baby. It is lovely that she has new baby and she has always wanted one. I felt mixed. I was happy for her but I was also thinking about how come I never had sex with her and how come she can have a baby and I can’t even be with a woman. Thoughts that have been plaguing me since the time I hit puberty. I sent an email to her congratulating her. I was trying to send Text messages to friends whom I wanted to send my cheers to and even while doing that, I am feeling insecure, judgemental and scarce. This is my first challenge. To think positiviely and lose all this judgement and self denial. Well, things seem bleak. It seems to be an uphill climb. Never GIVE UP. I read somewhere that everyone is ruled by ultimate gods their minds. I am not exactly sure what mine are, but I know most of them are not the ones I would consciously want. Merry Christmas!
