Day 4

Over the past two days, its been confusion, despair and some fun. It was my 10 year anniversary of landing in the USA and I had sent an email out yesterday morning to get people together. KB showed up along with L&D and also KB’s sister. I have no idea why I still hang out with KB. As I write this, she is in my bed. We had sex. The good thing is I had sex. It took my edge off. But, I am pussy whipped by her. I don’t want this. I don’t want to look at other girls when I am with someone. I went to dinner today after having sex and I could see all these girls looking at me and me checking out these girls with awesome bodies and beautiful faces. I really do not why I can’t access a very vital, primal and manly part of me. I am in fear. I want to break this.Spoke to RL from One Taste. He has a brilliant personality. I want that. I want a strong and secure personality with tons of laughter and fun that will embody me. Today, when I left to my office, which was pointless and the only reason I did was  to get out of my home…I was filled with this strange mix of fear, longing, negativity and the worry whether I will not be able to have sex with these hot white girls I love so much. I had to go to the gym to cleanse myself of this state of mind. It really escapes me how I am in such a mental state. It seems like there is no control over it.  I want to have some fun with my new life. I am going to spend tomorrow trying to make 3 resoltions that I want see through this new year. The only criteria, it needs to be fulfilling, nurturing and empowering.  I have to go bed now, but I wanted to write this post to make sure that I get into the habit.Baby steps..baby…baby steps.   

Day 2

I woke up around noon today to see that my mother had called me twice. I, knowing that it is going to be a repeat of the same type of phone call that I normally have, called her to see what is going on. I love my mother but I have this huge guilt inside me that I have not been a good son and her unhappiness is solely because of my not being able to get married, be in India and  not buy an apartment and a car so that she can be free to move around. Well, she called and cried to me because her brother had come and told her that she should not postpone my wedding and she better make plans before I say no. It breaks my heart when she cries. I am majorly frustrated. I guess it is a very unique Indian experience coupled with my immediate family.  I had patiently listened to her and then at the end told her in so many words that she does not love me unconditionally. She has certain stipulations for me to be her good son. Also, I do not blame her, she has been mentally held prisoner for 3 decades and how can I expect her to change immediately? I find it to be a lose-lose situation with her being alone and confined to my home in India and my being here and trying to make something out of my now almost defunct American dream.  Anyway, she did admit that she does not have the courage and she is scared. It is actually very brave of her to admit it. I share the same traits with her. I am scared. We hung up and I was in agony. I am in agony. Why in the world have I wasted such a long time trying to chase something that only lives in my imagination? Is it too bad to want to be free? Is it too bad to desire my own freedom? I guess not, but it is just too bad that it has taken me this long to figure it out. I am so passionate about my mother’s state of affairs that I want to move to India and take care of things myself. I beleive I will in a couple of months. I ambled around my studio apartment to make some food and I did. I don’t have any money now and I am completely broke and it really annoys me. I wanted to get my money from my current employer and my friend D has agreed to send money from her account. I was so worried about asking her for money. It is really nerve racking. This month I had to take money from my IRA to live here. Yeah..it is crazy. I am not sure what type of decision making muscles I am using. So, after asking her to mail me the checks, I went to starbucks to take some time off. Saw a lovely girl sitting and was also haunted by the same thoughts I had. Excitement, fear, worry and gawking. The good news is that I had a chance to sit right next to her and started talking to her. It was good to go up to her and introduce myself and chit chat. She seems lovely and had a great spirit. Yes there were moments when I was worried but at the end of it, I invited her to my ‘Coming to America’ party.  I felt good. It was good to know that I was back in action. I came back home and about 20 minutes into my sitting at home, my downstairs neighbor comes to my apartment and starts yelling and harassing about my being loud and  disturbing his sleep. I have been held hostage in my own apartment ever since I moved in because he came up the night I moved in and started yelling at me. He had the audacity today to not only start yelling at me but also push me around. He is a very angry old man. I felt feeble and futile after he threatened me and left. I came back home really angry and scared about what to do. I sat down for a second, sent an email to my landlord and was wondering why is that I let him push me? I decided to talk to him. I went downstairs and knocked on his door. He came out and basically was racist, insolent and utterly not listening to me. He pushed me again. I realized that I did not have the courage to retaliate. In hindsight this is good but my first reaction was to be subservient and fly rather than fight. I came back home majorly pissed and called the cops and also lodged a complaint against him.  While I did things by the book and I am glad I was the one who was smart and sane enough to not react in a way that would have caused harm, I am reeling with discomfort, fear of provoking this maniac and worry about whether my walking normally in my own apartment would make him come back to me. I was worried about him at the gym and also thinking about whether he would attack me and stuff. I am sure being worried about a mentally unstable person with a personal vendetta against me is valid but my feeling insecure, scared and worried for my own safety points to something that needs to be addressed. I beleive the time has come today to go down the path of courage and power. I need to feel powerful and courageous. I have been scared all my life. I want to be known for being bold, courageous and powerful. Real power comes from within but I want to also balance it with raw physical power. I don’t want to be a pushover anymore. I want to take today as a huge learning experience. I want to feel powerful. I want to feel secure, strong and courageous. I do not today. I want to. I will.   

Day 1

I have decided to chronicle my journey as is. No embelisshments, no journalistic experiments, just the way it is. So each post title is going to bear the day number and thats it and each posts will be as simple and straightforward as possible. Yesterday night was Christmas Eve. New York is a great place because you can still find people hanging out all the time. I felt sorry for myself for I did not have any family and all the friends were new. I went and met up with M, this Italian friend of mine from Yoga class. Class act, very nice guy. He had invited D, a girl whom I had a crush on from the same yoga class but after a dinner and a poser escapade about fixing her computer, I could not express my interest in her and left the whole thing hanging. I still remember walking away from her feeling so uncomfortable and like a loser. When I heard that she was going to be joining us, my heart started racing and I felt uncomfortable worrying about whether she will judge me  (Note to self – this is untrue and so what if she does?). I go to the rest room and take a deep breath and told myself it was ok. I get out and M and I are just hanging out and he seems chilled with great spirits. We were chit chatting when D walks in. A short girl with awesome boobs and I have had my eyes in the yoga class for ever. She is completely fine and says hello and is with a guy. His name is F and he is an aspiring photographer who works at a restaurant. (Note to self – She does not worry about the last goof up. Its my mind and I am holding myself captive to my past) and we start hanging out. I also am wondering if the new guy she brought along is her man? Before long my friend I joins me, I need to find out if he is Gay or if he super metrosexual, but he joins us and is very cool to have everyone having fun over a beer table.  We talk about yoga, money, spiritualism, photography, Sardinia, finance and what not. We decided to go to a movie and after much deliberation, ended up going to No Country for Old men.  The movie was great. I loved it. The movie got over and I,F and I headed to the subway while D and M walked together home. I was jealous. I turned around and looked at D holding hands with M and them walking home. I felt like I have lost. I got back home and had a good night sleep. I woke up on Christmas day with thoughts no so joyful. I open up my email to get an email from a friend M, whom I had a crush on but never could be with her,  letting me know about her new baby. It is lovely that she has new baby and she has always wanted one. I felt mixed. I was happy for her but I was also thinking about how come I never had sex with her and how come she can have a baby and I can’t even be with a woman. Thoughts that have been plaguing me since the time I hit puberty. I sent an email to her congratulating her.  I was trying to send Text messages to friends whom I wanted to send my cheers to and even while doing that, I am feeling insecure, judgemental and scarce. This is my first challenge. To think positiviely and lose all this judgement and self denial. Well, things seem bleak. It seems to be an uphill climb. Never GIVE UP. I read somewhere that everyone is ruled by ultimate gods their minds. I am not exactly sure what mine are, but I know most of them are not the ones I would consciously want.  Merry Christmas!  

Fresh Start

I am starting this blog because  

• I want to know what I really want
• I want to feel electric, full of good energy and vitality
• I want to fuck beautiful, lovely women 
• I want to have a family with three kids
• I want to feel good and loved
• I want to be on TV 
• I want to be famous
• I want a S Class Merceded Benz
• I want to travel in Business Class 
• I want a home in India
• I want to be a US Citizen
• I want to live in America and in India
• I want to marry someone I fall in love with
• I want to have friends who love me
• I want to love my friends
• I want to be free of my insecurities and pain
• I want to be truthful to myself
• I want my mother to be happy and have all the fun she can have for the rest of her life
• I want to become a documentary film maker
• I want to own an media company
• I want to make films
• I want to win an oscar
• I want to learn to play the Irish fiddle 
• I want to start a charity for widows and children in India
• I want to love
• I want to live
• I want to dance 
• I want to feel handsome and complete
• I want to die before I die
• I want my cock sucked
• I want my balls stroked
• I want a threesome with two lovely women 
• I want to do yoga everyday
• I want health insurance
• I want $10MM in my bank
• I want to start a school for poor children
• I want to be friends with Bono
• I want to be in love
• I want to be grateful 
• I want to stand in front of an auidence and give motivational speeches
• I want to be known as a motivator and a success
• I want grand children
• I want a mistress
• I want to go to Ladakh
• I want to the Dad I never had 
• I want to be a MAN

I take full responsibility for this. I WILL make this happen. I have $100.00 in my pocket and I am starting fresh. I know my desires will change as I become more conscious about what I want.  I want to evolve. It is Christmas Eve 2007. Join me in my journey. It is not going to be pretty and it is not going to be easy, I am going to try my very best, meaning everything to make it fun and make it happen.  Join me.  

 

Love,

 

Ram